When you are forced to leave

Lately, with the recent pandemic, relationships are breaking apart at an alarming rate...mine being included.  The biggest disappointment is that it was destined to happen because I had been so compromising that I never thought my husband would kick me out of our home.    But here I am on my own wondering why am I alone again and how do I protect it all?  My heart, my finances, my business, my future, the memories but most of all, my eyes have been opened as to how it is appearing everyday in the programs I watch, the songs that pop up on my playlist and conversations I take part in.  I see and hear his name everywhere, roads we used to travel, places we used to go, how do I start over and omit the name, places and songs we used to love without a labotomy.

Divorce & Safety

Ironically my separation began about a week before Independence Day.  In a dispute concerning family, my husband wanted me to leave the home, remove every picture of my son from the walls, not allowing me to stay to work things out or figure out a resolve.  We shared a four year history under my residence, when an amazing opportunity arose moving to LA to his family home as a mutual choice and I wanted to make things work in the city and most of all, I was looking forward to our marriage sustaining a new journey and adventure.  After nearly 90 days under his roof, I found myself homeless and purchasing a small storage and planning to return to the county close to my business and previous home.  I could tell that this was anger and anxiety built up over that last few weeks but I never thought that my husband wouldn't fight for our relationship.  Here my best friend was having a mental breakdown in front of me and I had no idea how to help him because I feared for my safety seeing a much different and out of control man than I married and trusted with my life.  

Then the contemplation of planning a divorce and needing a new place to stay.  To be or not to be temporary...rental...saving up for a purchase?  Are there still possibilities for my future?  When I was told to get out, all I could do was comply and attempt to pack up as much as I could until he put me on total shut out.  I only expected this because he shuts out anyone close that doesn't agree with him and civil conversations become impossible.  Keep in mind I never feared for any type of physical violence, my husband could easily be compared to a gentle giant, but his way of thinking kept him in a world of solitude.  When we met, he was beaming with warmth, positive energy, loving spirit, musical and formerly an athlete.  Meeting later in life, I enjoyed the strength and beauty of how this man had aged and we had so many deep conversations about living together in a home filled with prayer and love placing an emphasis on a secluded existence from family.  Looking back, he may have appeased me by stating he welcomed family but I found out those last days that he preferred a lifestyle minus anyone outside.

In a very short time, I had to weigh fighting for our relationship, seeing an annual pattern of paranoid behavior, over not knowing how my husband was going to react upon my leaving.  Granted, he had walked out on me twice but I was in my residence, I had no idea how he would act if I left him.  I hoped it would be a similar experience, because I gave him time to separate, think and return if he liked and we could talk things over and never touching his things.  Saving everything upon his return and always wanting him to feel safe and free when he would decide to return apologetically.  The result was totally opposite against me.  He went into victim mode, blaming me for everything, changed his number, destroyed my mail and personal property.  

Even with a broken heart and supreme disappointment, I had to appreciate that I chose safety over material things.  In fact, the personality traits were so off kilter, I had to also consider a mental condition was building.  A condition I didn't feel safe about sticking around for with a husband that hates going to the doctor and struggles with mid-life crisis.  With this being said, healing would have to come on my terms and for myself to accept change, embrace support from my friends and the beginning of starting life over before turning 55.